Coffee Jerk

Why do the people at the café always ask you if you want your ice latte for here or to go when they always put it in the same cup anyway? I think it’s to give you the illusion of choice. You don’t have any choices. You point at the menu and if it ain’t up there, it ain’t happening. Hot water, beans, cup, overpriced condiments, five bucks, some crappy pidgin Italian-Dr Seuss name, thanks don’t come again.

I once went into a café and asked for a plain, regular decaf coffee. Totally stumped the guy. Wasn't on the menu. I didn't use the "code". Latte? He asked. Cappuccino? Yes, I see the menu, there, Mensa boy. I can read and comprehend the words you are pointing at. I’m forty, perhaps I’ve had a latte or a cappuccino in my life. Can you comprehend that I don’t have time to learn which euphemisms your pretentious corporate café uses to describe its small, medium, large café au lait americano frappe? The Venti Massimo Grande Pequeño Gulp. Whatever!

Every restaurant on Earth has three cups. Small. Medium. Large. Don't give me any of that monkey business where large is medium and Stupendous is a fishing bucket. Or any of that movie concession stand crap where you can get a free thimble or a fifteen dollar jug of pre-urinated Mountain Dew. Regular. Cup. Of. Coffee. Imagine if you will a man-sized coffee cup filled with Regular. Coffee. No milk, no sugar, no sweetener, no flavorings, no whipped cream, no sprinkles, no cinammon, no parsely, and no spit.


Look at me Chachi. Stop spinning your bald tires and look up here at me. I’m a six foot world-traveling hillbilly who asked for a plain, regular cup of coffee. Do you think I want a thimble of espresso? An overflowing banana float? Do you think I want five cups to go and three for here? Do I look like a complicated man? Did I ask for a dingleberry scone plantain muffintop?? One. Plain. Regular. Cup. Of. Coffee. Do you know what country you are in? Shall I point it out on the world map for you Señor Barista?

So you gotta wonder about people’s mentalities sometimes. Do you bring your car into the repair shop and tell 'em you want 'em to make it a Formula One style Ford Escort? Do you go to the Men's Warehouse and ask for a Liberace Glitter Tuxedo and matching piano? Do you know anything at all about your product that is not already emblazend on the wall? Do you greet your customers who come in out of the rain soaking wet and shaking their umbrellas into the bucket "Hey, it's a little wet out there?" Some people comprehend the concept of a menu. Can you comprehend that you being an idiot now means I have to get a teaspoon of ridicule with my coffee now every day?


One. Regular. Cup. Of. Coffee. Just let me behind the counter, I’ll get it myself, ring myself up, and keep the tip. Do you believe the nerve of these people? They charge $5 for a cup of coffee and then have the nerve to put a tip jar at the register. Sorry, I don’t tip robots. These people are so drilled you could come in their wearing an overcoat made of howler monkey pelts and ask them to pour hot coffee down your pants and without even looking up they'll ask you "You want a scone with that? Pick up over there please." Here, have a tip. Have you ever seen an empty tip jar? Of course not. It’s always seeded with petty cash money. I’ve got a tip for you: stay in school. Get a job that doesn’t involve telling people to be careful because their hot coffee is hot.



And I’m sorry if it looks like I’m lowering the boom on café workers. I’m not. I mean, I know those guys work hard. It’s a busy job for that kind of pay. It’s not easy dealing with the public minute after minute after minute. I’m just saying – know your product. Learn to look at a customer and figure out what they want – especially if what they want is the most basic unit of your freaking product! But maybe that's a generational gap thing. Kids today all brought up believing coffee is something that should have chunks of fruit in it and cost as much as four gallons of gasoline.

Oh, I’m a problem customer? Here’s the problem: you have no perspective and your music sucks! I comprehend your cash register mental house of cards. Do you comprehend mine?


Here's an actual conversation I've had with a coffee server:
Large ice latte, skim.
What size?
Large.
Ice or hot?
Ice. Large ice latte, skim.
Latte?
Latte.
You want whipped cream?
Skim.
Whipped cream?
Skim. Connect the dots now.
WHIPPED CREAM?
Skim. Large ice latte, skim.
Go over there please.
Hold on, I've changed my mind. Medium hot cafe au lait to go in a dirty cup. And put a hurry on that, my jackass is running off with my prospecting equipment and Amway sampler pack.
Medium...?
Large ice latte, skim.
Large ice latte, skim?
There ya go.

So now I’ve worked my way around the coffee order problem. Here’s how I placed my coffee order yesterday:

"Give me the absolute largest café americano in a to go cup, double no-fat double sweet, whipped cream, shot of vermouth and some human spit. Now pour all that into the toilet except for the americano, from the dispenser into THIS cup that my finger is tapping, and call it whatever the freaking Klingon coffee language your menu is in. Here’s fifty cents, put the change in the jar! I’ll be over here humping your magazine rack and shouting out the contents of people’s computer screens and just generally mingling on behalf of the board of shareholders."

Guy looks at me, “Dude, regular decaf coming up.”

Crouching Heckles, Hidden Punchlines

I looked up the word "definition" in the dictionary, but the definition was a definition, and if I couldn't understand that, how could I possibly use that information?

I put my jokes into an email and the google ads were for "Potty Training"! I mean, what am I supposed to think about that? This Google computer is so judgmental!



And now,

Random Heckler Responses:


My mother heckled me harder than that. Amateur.

God bless you.

I said I'd pay for humiliation after the show!

Say it in English if you want us to understand you! Anybody here speak Pig Latin Chinese?

I'm going to take your price of admission and buy a "Shit Happens" T shirt and give it to my dog. My dog thanks you.

My internet stalker, ladies and gentlemen. Last time I pick up a date in a Star Trek chat room.

I don't wish to ignore you, sir, it's just that I can't hear you, I'm tuned into reality!

I always shout when I wake up from binge drinking too. Hooray, I'm not in the gutter yet!

What, did you fall off your bigwheel back there? Oh geez. Guy fell off his bigwheel. Somebody get him up. Stop messing with his handbrake people.




To wit the wit:

When people ask me where I get my ideas I always tell them a lie so they won't wake up earlier and get all my ideas first.

Know what you get when you cross an angry sex-starved middle school teacher and a drunk comedian who wants to be punished? You get a comedy show that starts late!



So I was just googling for this picture and it made me realize that some guy in a cubicle down at the CIA must be getting the wrong impression of my internet habits.

I googled: "Spank Me Burning Man". You know why there's no Tivo for the internet? That's why.


How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Screw light!

I was going to be a scientist until they told me I couldn't have my own monkey. Forget that, what's the point of science if they don't give you a monkey?

I was going to be a violinist until they told me I had to keep my clothes on. I mean, how else is a violinist going to get any laughs?

I was going to be a lawyer until they told me I would have to fight for blind justice and earn people's trust and respect. Or was that blindly trust justice and fight people with no self-respect?

I was going to be a college professor until they told me that I was too mature and I should be a comedian instead.

At the gym, did you ever try lifting those...oh, what are they called...breast implants?

You know how to freak out airport security? Buy a ticket.


I saw a sign, and it read:

Do Not Molest the Alligators.

Now when I think about what's wrong with the world today.... I think of this sign, and it's like a comedy Zen koan. Sometimes I just meditate on punch lines for this joke. Not that it needs one! I call it my whetstone:




Punchlines:

Great. Now I'm worried about alligator molestors moving onto my block.

See ya later, gator baiter. After a while, crocophile.

You just know that whoever put that sign up doesn't have kids.

But you know, the sign said nothing about taunting and ridiculing.

Who are these people who need this sign? And don't you think - I mean, if people need the sign - it should be written in pictures? Just in case? Show a big yellow caution sign with an alligator with a big open mouth with a round thing in it, and a headless torso running around in shock? Little shock waves coming off of it?

Do we really need the sign? Isn't this a self-correcting problem?

Well I don't criticize You for what YOU do on Friday night!

Makes me wonder about all the other animals though. I mean, you never see the "Do Not Molest the Raccoons" sign. Raccoons, they're soft and fuzzy, too, and when you're done, you can use them to wipe yourself off. Apparently raccoons are always...in season.

Just kidding, I don't hunt raccoons. In baby seal season.
I'm just kidding, I don't kill those little virgin seals. I don't like virgins--to call me the next day.
I don't have sex with people I meet in the newspaper--unless I can get them to meet me in the woods at night.
I'm joking! Sex in the woods is no way to impress your YouTube subscribers.
I don't run a porno site online--I can't afford film after paying all those actresses to perform "A capella" in front of my "film crew."


And now I leave you with a final comedy zen koan:

John Lennon met Paul McCartney in a church hall when a mutual friend introduced them. John was playing Elvis' "Be Bop a Lu La", which was one of Paul's favorites. No Elvis? No Beatles. But you know what? It was Elvis' father who taught him to play guitar. Elvis wanted a rifle but they couldn't afford it. If Elvis' father had been just taken on a second job, the world would have never known Vanilla Ice. What? I'm just saying.