When I was a kid, my Mom brought me to this little 5 and dime on Main street, you ever see one of those? Back when 5 and dime wasn't the size bag of pot you wanted. She took me upstairs one day, and I saw some great things, big plastic racecars and star wars figures. I don't know. You just can't go back. Now, what kid is content with a big plastic race car that doesn't run on its own power? Now I'm grown, and I've got a big plastic wife that doesn't run on her own power. What happened to the world? Do you remember Rubik's cubes? What was that? Cubes.
Ha ha, do you remember those big standup video games? Yeah, me too. Quarters. They ran on tokens. Ha ha, cause that's the culture. I'm making common cultural observations, in my attempt at bonding with the audience.
Don't you hate work and airplanes? Me too, I really do. I especially hate taking my shoes off at the airport. I don't think it's for security, that they make us do that. I think it's for pervert sock profiling. Like, guards are back there on the monitors, "Look at that guy, white sneakers and black wool socks. I bet his feet stink. No, your feet stink. Oh, here comes a high school blond cheerleader, look at those dirty socks, I bet her feet stink. I'm gonna go smell 'em. Take a picture for my website, www.dirtydotsickfeetflash.comWdotslash.com.
You ever fall out of a perfectly good chair? I don't know why--but it happens to me all the time. My wife nearly pees in her pants laughing every time I fall down. I think she did something to my chair! Don't you hate when you do something so stupid like that, and somebody is there, you know, to witness it--and you'll never have dignity in their eyes again for the rest of your life after that. It could be like, "Look family, I won the Nobel Peace Prize," and your wife is like, "just don't impale yourself on it, chairboy."
Who would you rather wake up next to: a robot with big metal pincers for hands, or a chupacabra? I'd rather wake up next to the robot, cause they can't get pregnant. Chupacabra, I mean, you never know. I'm not paying child support for that, chupacabra baby. I'm sorry, call me a deadbeat chupacabra dad. You ever see one o' those at the hospital? Chupacabra baby?
Do you think robots have feelings? What a stupid question. Robots don't have feelings. They are big metal jerks.
Karl Marx was the least funny Marx brother. Even with the big clown beard.
I think we should force prisoners to serve in the army. No? That's cruel and unusual punishment, yes, a violation of civil and human rights. And that's just the CNN interviews.
Menage a trois. Literally it means, Eternal Triangle, according to the great oracle Google. That's French, you know, such a romantic language. I guess it's a play on Christianity, equating an eternal sex triangle with the Holy Trinity. As if the bible is really about getting it on. What ya got? Adam and Eve, Sodom and Gomorrah, Yoda and Chewbacca. So much more romantic than my sex life, in English, instead of "menage" it's a "Bermuda" a Trois. I don't know, I keep getting magnetic interference or something. I keep thinking that I'm soaring when I'm three feet from crashing and burning.
Money is unimportant. Just ask anybody whose got it, they know all about it. Not important.
When you know money isn't as important as say, the environment, you prioritize. You reexamine your priorities. You buy a hybrid car. Cause money isn't important to you. You're enlightened. Look at me, I'm too good for a car that runs on dinosaur poop and redneck blood. I drive a car that runs on hybrid hydrogenated radiation and dilithium crystals!
Yeah, I got it on my last vacation to Planet Risa. Yeah, supermodels lei you at the airport there. The car is only 4 feet long, 8 feet wide you have to lay down when you drive it. It's cool, it's got a satellite ham radio and a cowcatcher! Because I care about real issues like the environment. And looking like a jerk. Sure it's made out of carbon fiber and cap pistol caps, but in case of a crash there's this parachute deployment device, and the satellite calls my mom.
Orange juice is so refreshing. Hard to believe it's tree piss.
I've got something like 6 mp3 players. Each one can hold like, 10,000 more songs than the one before it. What do I need 6 mp3's for? I like to bring them all, put 'em in my pocket, and act like I actually listen to music. You know, it confuses people without them knowing it. Gives 'em a false sense of reality, and that's what I'm all about.
Elvis bought his friends Cadillacs. It wasn't because they were big, or beautiful, or expensive. It's because back then Cadillacs were forty dollars, and if you wanted a fill up all you had to do was give Goober a bottle of pop.
Then: Wow, Cadillac! Thanks E!
Now: Wow, an electric Tapioca Bumbeetle. What did I ever do to you??
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