They’re coming out with a surgical procedure that allows women to take the fat from their butts and put it in their breasts. This is a solution that’s good for both women and men, don’t you think? You know who’ll really clean up in that deal – the fat banks. You’ve heard of blood banks, well welcome to the 21st century fat bank. You think Red Cross takes donations, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
Butt fat to the breasts. Your wife leaves home as the Grimace and comes back as Pamela Anderson. Oh I’m just kidding. She doesn’t come back.
Now if only there was the same kind of procedure for men. I’m six foot, I figure I could stand to lose six inches….
I think this is a brilliant idea that can be used to solve a lot of social problems, too. Take something you have too much of over here, and put it over there, where you need more of it. For example, homeless people. I’m wrong. It’ s morally wrong to compare homeless people to body fat. About the only thing they have in common is hanging out at McDonald’s.
But seriously, you can redistribute abundance to scarcity. Think about what society has too much of, and what it doesn’t have enough of:
Too many homeless people.
Not enough swimming pools.
Solution? Make the homeless dig your swimming pool in exchange for sleeping in the pool shed.
See? I’m all about solutions.
Too many drug users.
Not enough adult supervision for kids after school.
Solution? Make babysitting an official punishment of the penal system. Think you’re tough, dog? Handle a two year old every day for twelve hours. And you can’t do anything mean cause the government’s got a baby monitor on you.
Too much sexual harrassment.
Not enough sexual liberation.
Solution? Go ahead and give it up. Don’t make people have to ask.
Too much traffic.
Not enough jobs.
Solution? One word: rickshaws. And you can’t get a driver’s license, either, until you’ve toted a rickshaw for a year. Solve that obesity problem too while we’re at it.
Low education standards.
High cost of college.
Solution? Stupidity tax. Dodge that, trust fund douchebag.
Look I’m not advocating taxing you guys out there, alright. I’m just saying, the option is there.
And speaking of school…
Too many cults.
Not enough bowling alleys.
Solution? Make bowling a religion.
“Our Bowling Captain, who art down at the Bowl-o-rama, sterilized be Thy rental shoes. Give us this frame our daily beer, and forgive us our tresspasses over the foul line, as we forgive those who tresspass in the karaoke bar. And lead us not into the gutter, but deliver us a pizza, for Thine is the Kingpin, and the Alley, and the League forever, amen.”
This is a lesson you can take home with you. Think about what you have too much of, and not enough of, and put ‘em together. Too much dirty laundry? Not enough sex? Stop wearing clothes around the house. Make your guests remove ‘em too. Hey, the solution is just staring you in the face! Hi, come to read the gas meter? Well I’ve got a gas leak right in here. But first you gotta ditch the threads. Sorry, house rule.
Well if some people can say, there’s no smoking in my house, why can’t you say there are no clothes in my house? Seem to me it’s a double standard! Sorry, you want to wear clothes in here? Take it to the balcony, pal. Freeze your hamhocks off in the rain. We’re all toasty warm in here despite our lack of vestments, habiliments, or raiment.
Yeah, I got a thesaurus. You know what the synonym for synonym is? How about an antonym for synonym? A subjunctive predicate? Passive voice gerund indirect object? What’s the square root of 2? Anybody? You ever need to figure the surface area of a guitar-shaped swimming pool? The volume of a basketball? Have you ever, in your life, dissected a worm for your job? Found the cosine of a tangent? Passed a bill through Congress? Sang a folk song?
I’ll tell you what knowledge I could have used in school:
How to remember people’s names. How to buy gifts for your girlfriend’s parents. How to know when someone is doing a background check on you. How to quit a job when they piss you off. In which order to drink hard liquors. Tax shelters and you. How to spot lies in the newspaper.
Oh there’s plenty of these:
What to do when a coworker stabs you in the back. How to eat for under $5 a day and still have it taste good. How to deal with unwanted sexual attention. How to get unwanted sexual attention. How to stand out in any empty room and blend in with any crowd. How to avoid aggressive beggars. How to get even. How to be honest with women. (They won’t let you).
How to be rich and famous without involving other people. How to lose weight while eating anything you want. How to spot a psycho. How to know when your therpapist is full of shit. Talk your way out of parking tickets. Recognize a bad hairstylist before you get in the chair. Spot the difference between a wise spiritual teacher and a book-thumping asshat.
I’m not finished…
How to get good customer service. How to know when it’s time to break up with someone. How to not get pregnant until you’re ready. How to pleasure someone. How to tell someone when you would really like a surprise party and when you would rather just hit them with your car. Spot the terrorist. Spot the STD carrier. Spot the jackass. Oh, they’re easy enough to spot – once you’ve started talking to them.
How to get rid of unwanted guests. How to avoid professional victimizers and professional victims. How to return something without the receipt.
And my number one choice for what they didn’t teach in school that they should have:
How to do your freaking job!
I once had a job interview and it was all going really well, and then finally for the last question she asked me, “What are your weaknesses?” I don’t know why but I had the sudden urge to be honest at that moment. I know, worst possible time to tell the truth, I’m telling ya. So I said, “I have no patience with stupidity.”
Didn’t get the job. I figure, I dodged a bullet with that one! What are your weaknesses? I have trouble listening to people who don’t listen to me. I don’t work well where my contributions are not appreciated. I refuse to work with sociopaths. I’m a little funny that way.
Now if only they could find some way to suck the fat out of people’s heads….!
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