Do you know why astronauts don't bring dogs into space? The frisbee just keeps on going.
I was fired from a sleep study job for being too enthusiastic.
When my boss asked me to work overtime, I said only if I can work over space, too. Then I commanded him to exist, and he had to obey.
Dogs may be man's best friend, but Man is just a dog's casual acquaintance.
I drove my car into a tree, but it wasn't insured, so we exchanged information and settled out of court. I didn't pay.
I needed some register tape but I didn't want to pay for it, so I bought some, and then returned it and kept the receipt.
I rode a bicycle cross country...no I didn't.
Do you know the fastest way to lose weight? Blow up the planet.
What's sex like after marriage? Well, do you ever get a coke with a broken straw, and all you suck is air? That sucking sound is the best sex I've had all year.
What do you get when you cross Mr Spock and a Humvee? You can live short and asphyxiate.
I've got an idea for a replacement for oil, which is as you know, a precious natural resource. It's a car that burns wood and koala bears. It can go from zero to sixty in three cubs.
I'm sorry, that joke is sick, it's not normal. But what is normal? If everybody does something does that make it normal? The way I see it, the only difference between something that's normal and something that's totally freaking strange is the number of people involved. If one out of three do it, it's totally freaking strange. If two out of three do it, it's normal. If three out of three do it, it's communist. That's why I'm always on the lookout for human pyramids. What do you think they're doing in North Korea all day? They march and build human pyramids. That's the life over there.
These jokes have me sweating more than a toilet in a police lineup. I mean, what kind of joke is that? Why would a toilet be in a police lineup? I don't know, maybe it was doing crack?
I know, it's hard to take these jokes seriously. Acting like you're listening to someone is the easy part. Not giving a crap? That takes commitment.
Would you rather wrestle crocodiles for your job, and go to Nascar in your free time, or go to Nascar for work, and wrestle crocodiles in your free time? What is this? Sorry, that was a joke from my "southernisms" pile. It's not even a joke, really, more of a rhetorical observation.
Would you rather be shaved from head to toe, and thrown in the killer whale tank at Sea World, or - ok stop right there - that actually that sounds kind of fun, doesn't it?
I lost my keys. Fortunately I don't play piano.
I bought a guitar for ten bucks with no strings attached.
Driving on the highway these days is like playing pinball with twenty balls. Pinballs, not...never mind. I won't even go there. Hey, check out Lumpy over there. Where does he even buy jeans, I don't know.
I want a website where I can explain these jokes, but I need a good website address. I mean that's critical to the success of your website. I was thinking about making a website that monitors your nanny? Does anyone know if www.babyshaker.com is taken? It wouldn't be hooked up to real babies or anything. You just use your wii. You know, wheeeeee.
I mean, could you imagine if you could hook up your baby to the internet? You know, you're surfing, and all of a sudden one of those slow-loading, animated TV network websites pops up, and you'd be like, oh, someone's got a poopie diaper! Then Paris Hilton's website pops up, and it's oh baby's got a little throw up. Rush Limbaugh's website pops up, oh, baby needs breast feeding.
Sorry, that was what's called “topical” material. Sorry, I don't do politics. I'm not into that whole ouvre. What's an ouvre, anyway? I'll tell you what it is, it's a little free ass detector. Yeah, all kinds of 'em were dropped into the English language by the king of the asses, Noah Webster. To help people spot asses. Words like “forward”, like “let's move forward on this finacial anal violation”. “Tweet” is another one. “Synergy”, “globalize”, “green”, and “win-win”. How about “jack-ass”?
And each industry has their own special ass-detecting language. Like law: “sue”, “jurisprudence”, and interestingly, “barrister”.
The business world is rife with ass-detecting language: “Herpes. Pimp-slap”. What? It's a business.
Michael Bay, he's the director of the Transformers franchise, and The Island, which is basically the movie Parts: The Clonus Horror with explosions and no script. He's a really hot director now. I'd like to see him remake some other boring, stuffy old movies from last century. Like When Harry Met Sally. In the diner scene, Meg Ryan can just blow up.
Or Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Michael Bay's Birds could be these giant cgi radioactive cyborgs. Alfred Hitchcock's movie never explained why the birds attached that New England town. I think Michael Bay's version can right that wrong. You know, have one evil robot overlord bird that steals a top secret jet, because you know, flying under your own power is for suckers. In the climax there can be a showdown between this overlord bird and a cgi shark hijacking a bullet train.
And the trailer would give away the surprise ending. Don't you hate that? It's like sitting through a presidential administration. It's never as good as the trailer. The trailer looks like Die Hard and the term is like Mask. Mask, not The Mask. You remember, Frankenstein meets a litte deformed boy. I'm wrong. I realize, it's socially unacceptable to liken Cher to a classic undead horror character. But that's my trade. That's what you deal in with the comedy game.
Or a Bad George Lucas movie. You know, which one was that with the muppets? The Pantsless Menace? Revenge of the Wal Mart? The Empire Strikes the Concession Stand? The Clone Sequels?
Speaking of being in a constant state of going nowhere, if you were a Star Wars character which one would you be? I'd be Jar Jar Binks so those other freaks would leave me the hell alone in my trailer.
If you wear corrective lenses in a corrective institution, do two wrongs make a right?
If a librarian misses her period can your books be late too?
I saw two guys riding a bicycle? But I don't think it was a bicycle. I think it was a gaycycle. I'm still looking for a menage-a-tricycle.
Have you ever had sex on a bicycle? No, you haven't and you know why? Nobody can pedal that fast!
No comments:
Post a Comment