Mobile phones are necessary. How else can you make yourself a public nuisance without actually talking to the people around you?
Keeping up with technology is cheap. It only costs you your sanity, your dignity, and your ability to walk in a straight line.
Light jazz music is like war. It’s never over until it’s too late.
And now, the hack:
You know I once got arrested for unlawful possession of a jelly donut, but they had to throw out my case due to lack of evidence. If you’re going to steal, steal donuts.
I asked the stewardess why don’t they just make the plane out of the black box. She got offended because I was staring at her crotch at the time.
D’ya ever notice how there’s always one sock missing in your laundry? I used to cry because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had two different shoes, and then I cried because I didn’t have matching shoes.
If you give a man a fish he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, he’ll want to invite you to go fishing, and that is just too early in the day for me.
“You attract more bees with honey than with vinegar.” What does that mean? You could also say, you attract more beautiful girls with money and good looks than with vinegar. What can’t you attract with something other than vinegar? I say, you’ll attract more winos with some cheap vinegar than with a full-priced imported bordeaux.
And how many bees do you need, anyway? Who’s out here attracting bees? First of all you’ve got to buy the honey, and that’s way more expensive than vinegar – what am I, King Bee Rockefeller? And then you’ve got to have some place to put the bees, unless you want to just wear them out of the store. You need the beekeeper’s hat, and the bee Barbie dream house and convertible. Hey, I just wanted some bees, I didn’t want to change my whole lifestyle!
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” You know what makes the heart grow fonder? It ain’t vinegar, I’ll tell you that. Vinegar does not make the heart grow fonder. If you give a man some vinegar, he’ll not attract bees for a day. But if you teach a man to make vinegar, he’ll not attract bees for a lifetime. I’d rather learn that than how to fish. I don’t even like fish, and I like getting stung by bees even less. Who plans that for your afternoon? Come home all fishy-smelling and covered in bee stings. I’ve got a saying for you – how about shutting the hell up and letting me sleep? You never hear any ancient philosphers saying things like that. Well – maybe St Augustine, I heard he was a real bastard before his morning coffee.
You never hear like Aristotle saying, “Did I ask for fries, bitch?” Socrates and his famous “leather shoes give me corns” quote. Demosthenes and Archimedes arguing over gladiator salary caps and sword-corking. Makes you wonder about the history that really happened that no one talked about. I don’t know, maybe whole chunks of history were big lies, that we just take for granted. They don’t speak Portuguese in Brazil. Maybe the Brazilians settled Portugal but since history is written by the victors, they wrote it to make themselves look like the innocents being conquered. Go through life with their holier-than-thou “You Conquered Us” attitude. What do you have to say now, Portugal? Ha, nothing, I thought so.
What else happened in history that people never talked about? Maybe Mark Twain had a schoolgirl fetish. That’s why he was always hanging around the playground. He wasn’t doing research for the greatest American novel, he was touching himself and making up stories.
Maybe Hitler took a long time in the bathroom. You never hear anyone talk about it either way, but he only had three options: he either he took a shorter time than usual, or the normal time, or a really long time. What if he took a really long time in the bathroom? What was he doing in there? Heiling himself in the mirror? Trimming his inverted soul patch? Plucking his eyebrows? What if Hitler plucked his eyebrows? Do you think he could have risen to power if that had gotten out?
Whenever I see a guy like that, a world leader or celebrity, I always picture them taking their morning dump. There goes l’etat. Sorry, threw in a Louis XIV quote at you. Didn’t mean to. Louis XIV, he said “L'etat, c'est moi. The State is moist.” I think he was talking about how long he took in the bathroom.
So anyway, I picture these heads of state all holding court on the big white throne, you know, reading last year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition and squeezing out melodies for the secret service bugs. I bet somewhere there’s like a vault with nothing but the morning toilet sounds of all the presidents since Washington. Back then they didn’t have recorders so they had to use quill and ink to record their noises with.
Now go back and look at the last three pictures. Do you know who they are? If you can tell the difference between Sir Isaac Newton, Louis XIV and Han Solo frozen in carbonite, thank a teacher. If you can't, call a lawyer.
And the dinosaurs. Who did they think they were? Taking huge dumps everywhere. Screw ‘em!
What am I talking about? Oh that’s right, hack comedy. If you give a man a joke, he’ll laugh for a moment. But if you teach a man to write jokes, practice his delivery, enter a few open mic contests, book a gig, get up on stage, and deliver – he'll tell fish jokes for a lifetime.
No comments:
Post a Comment