I looked up the word "definition" in the dictionary, but the definition was a definition, and if I couldn't understand that, how could I possibly use that information?
I put my jokes into an email and the google ads were for "Potty Training"! I mean, what am I supposed to think about that? This Google computer is so judgmental!
And now,
Random Heckler Responses:
My mother heckled me harder than that. Amateur.
God bless you.
I said I'd pay for humiliation after the show!
Say it in English if you want us to understand you! Anybody here speak Pig Latin Chinese?
I'm going to take your price of admission and buy a "Shit Happens" T shirt and give it to my dog. My dog thanks you.
My internet stalker, ladies and gentlemen. Last time I pick up a date in a Star Trek chat room.
I don't wish to ignore you, sir, it's just that I can't hear you, I'm tuned into reality!
I always shout when I wake up from binge drinking too. Hooray, I'm not in the gutter yet!
What, did you fall off your bigwheel back there? Oh geez. Guy fell off his bigwheel. Somebody get him up. Stop messing with his handbrake people.
To wit the wit:
When people ask me where I get my ideas I always tell them a lie so they won't wake up earlier and get all my ideas first.
Know what you get when you cross an angry sex-starved middle school teacher and a drunk comedian who wants to be punished? You get a comedy show that starts late!
So I was just googling for this picture and it made me realize that some guy in a cubicle down at the CIA must be getting the wrong impression of my internet habits.
I googled: "Spank Me Burning Man". You know why there's no Tivo for the internet? That's why.
How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Screw light!
I was going to be a scientist until they told me I couldn't have my own monkey. Forget that, what's the point of science if they don't give you a monkey?
I was going to be a violinist until they told me I had to keep my clothes on. I mean, how else is a violinist going to get any laughs?
I was going to be a lawyer until they told me I would have to fight for blind justice and earn people's trust and respect. Or was that blindly trust justice and fight people with no self-respect?
I was going to be a college professor until they told me that I was too mature and I should be a comedian instead.
At the gym, did you ever try lifting those...oh, what are they called...breast implants?
You know how to freak out airport security? Buy a ticket.
I saw a sign, and it read:
Do Not Molest the Alligators.
Now when I think about what's wrong with the world today.... I think of this sign, and it's like a comedy Zen koan. Sometimes I just meditate on punch lines for this joke. Not that it needs one! I call it my whetstone:
Punchlines:
Great. Now I'm worried about alligator molestors moving onto my block.
See ya later, gator baiter. After a while, crocophile.
You just know that whoever put that sign up doesn't have kids.
But you know, the sign said nothing about taunting and ridiculing.
Who are these people who need this sign? And don't you think - I mean, if people need the sign - it should be written in pictures? Just in case? Show a big yellow caution sign with an alligator with a big open mouth with a round thing in it, and a headless torso running around in shock? Little shock waves coming off of it?
Do we really need the sign? Isn't this a self-correcting problem?
Well I don't criticize You for what YOU do on Friday night!
Makes me wonder about all the other animals though. I mean, you never see the "Do Not Molest the Raccoons" sign. Raccoons, they're soft and fuzzy, too, and when you're done, you can use them to wipe yourself off. Apparently raccoons are always...in season.
Just kidding, I don't hunt raccoons. In baby seal season.
I'm just kidding, I don't kill those little virgin seals. I don't like virgins--to call me the next day.
I don't have sex with people I meet in the newspaper--unless I can get them to meet me in the woods at night.
I'm joking! Sex in the woods is no way to impress your YouTube subscribers.
I don't run a porno site online--I can't afford film after paying all those actresses to perform "A capella" in front of my "film crew."
And now I leave you with a final comedy zen koan:
John Lennon met Paul McCartney in a church hall when a mutual friend introduced them. John was playing Elvis' "Be Bop a Lu La", which was one of Paul's favorites. No Elvis? No Beatles. But you know what? It was Elvis' father who taught him to play guitar. Elvis wanted a rifle but they couldn't afford it. If Elvis' father had been just taken on a second job, the world would have never known Vanilla Ice. What? I'm just saying.
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