Internet Comment Commandments

As with any new blog or forum or ersatz internet community (ersatz is a kind of cream-filled donut), readers will from time to time leave well-formed, insightful comments. Far be it from me to contradict this time-honored tradition of random ranting and mooning in public.

Therefore it becomes contingent upon me to spell out what I will call, the official decree of webmastery and internet authoritarian comment policy for this site and all related and affiliated cyberpresences of the duly-self-appointed Celestial Emperor of this Domain URL.

And now, the 11 Commandments:

1. All Comments Are Welcome. Most Comments Are Welcome. Comments Are For the Most Part, Probably All Welcome.

2. All Comments Are Subject to Being Edited for Clarity. (For example, the comment “!$## wut” will be clarified as, “Nice site, keep up the good work, handsome!”

3. Before hitting the submit button, ask yourself these three questions:

   1. Does my comment contribute, in any way, to teh interwebs?

   2. Is my comment at least as intelligent as one which might be simulated by a hamster running across the keyboard?

   3. If my comment were a smell, would it be an “ah” smell or an “ew” smell?

4. All comments must be written for human beings and not sharks or pigs wearing human pelts in order to infiltrate the herd.

5. Please Keep Arms and Heads Inside the Ride At All Times, and All Spam inside its Spam Can.

6. Flaming Comments Will Be Burned Out. Flaming Drinks and Desserts Are Always Festive.

7. Hate, h8, haters, players, player haters, flaunters, fronters, sadists, and goobers will be ejected from the public pool.
   

8. Heckles Are Tolerated Only At The Discretion of The Guy With The Mic. Didn’t bring a mic to the show? You will NOT have the last word. When you feel the urge to heckle, a nice self-inflicted swirly can usually restore your cool.

9. Comments are reserved for teh interwebs and not your local comedy club. Learn the difference between interaction and performance. Stupidity kills. It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your children are?
   

10. Trolls, Floggers, Moles, Mouthpieces, Narcs, Vigilantes and Other Assorted Whackjobs Will Be Tossed Overboard with the Chum.

11. Compliment the site owner on every occasion. They are starved for affirmation and you will quickly establish the credibility of your name around these parts.

    

This list is the awesomest, because unlike the 10 Commandments, it goes up to 11.

On a departing note, remember kids, that internet commenting is like marching in a parade. Horse’s asses to the back of the line!

Love and Punches,

Frank Altair